My review. Might suck, but here goes.
2012
2012. I realised half way through that movie was about the
destruction of our Earth...and our minds too.
Bad. Well, maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, I am. I'm heavily
underexaggerating. It was horrible. It starts of with the present day - as in,
in the year 2009. The 2009 scene is about how an Indian Scientist learns about
the un-natural activity of the solar flares - explains it to a friend from the
American Research Team (Name: Adrian Helmsley) - who goes to America and
explains the situation to a stuck-up head-scientist. Okay, now THIS Head
Scientist is a douche-bag. Anyways, this Head Scientist (I'll call him HS now),
reads the report and is instantly shocked and cancels the party he is attending
(and hosted) and assigns this Adrain as his right hand man. We also have daily
fissures being formed practically EVERYWHERE on the planet. Of course, we are
to assume (as shown in the movie) that these were minor occurences - something
ordinary man should be ignoring.
So we have our hero Jackson Curtis (Cussack) who is about to
take (for unknown reasons) his divorced wife’s children for a camp. Well,
divorced wife, but he IS the father. The wife is living with another douchebag
(this movie seems to be filled with them). Anyways, so he takes them to
Yellowstone National Park (or something). As he is reaching the aforementioned
location, he witnesses Military Helicopters moving in the area. The radio also
mentions (at this moment, what perfect timing) that Yellowstone Park is filled
with Military activity, and adivses all citizens to pack from there and head
home to avoid inconvenience with Military Officials. But noooo. Our Hero is
Invincible, he goes on. Anyways, so after
he sets up camp, he decides to take his kids to a place where he and his
ex-wife used to hang out – a lake. But there seems to be a problem. A fence
again – with the word WARNING! And MILITARY written over it. IT’S A BLOODY
FENCE! IT MEANS TURN THE HELL AROUND SUCKER! But noooo. Our hero is invincible!
(De-ja-vu?) So he jumps over the fence – climbs over it, more like – and walks
on further. Excellent example for his kids, eh? – don’t follow the law. I see
why his wife left him. Jokes apart, getting back. So they walk on to find that
the whole lake is dried up. What’s in it’s place? White something with fumes
coming tou of them. Lets assume it to be acid (?). Now we have acid here. It’s
got fumes coming out of them. Not just that, we have the area where the white
acid-like thing is, totally cordoned off with those yellow straps ( you know
how they put those things during murders, only THERE, it says “KEEP OFF” or “POLICE”
or “DANGER”...yeah, well, something similar.). AND THAT’S NOT IT STILL! We have
a dead mule lying there – a dead mule – half coroded. Bones and rib cage
sticking out - what does this imply? GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! That's what it
implies. But noooo! Our hero is invin- oh hell, how many times will I say it.
So we have him "investigating" this shit. So he closes in on the
subject – the entire white area. He promtly walks in the middle of the thing
and starts gaping and turning around. Of course, we have the omnipresent
American Army who have satellites viewing every spec of their land. So they
come in and ASK these people to come with them. You don’t ASK trespassers in
MILITARY cordoned off regions to coe with you – YOU BLOODY ARREST THEM! So they
are “escorted” to the actual military base – which is again stupid – and there
they confront Adrian Helmley. He just tells them blah blah blha....Please go
off the premises. >__> How lame. Anyways then we have them walking off,
and then getting dropped back at home because their mom almost got killed by a
gigantic fissure being formed in California – coincidentally, when she was
shopping in the very supermarket where the fissure was made. Mom was scared
that SHE was almost killed, so she wanted her kids with her. The two incidents
(her almost dying, and them being called back by her because of that) have
absolutely NO relation. But....*sigh*.
So after they come back, jackson (Cussack) finally realises
that all those hints that he has been observing all this time, that the Earth
would be getting destroyed are actually true. So he frantically runs to his
Wife’s house – well, drives there in a limo, actually – and on the way, calls
and shouts wildly at her to pack the kids bags and get the hell out of that house.
Ironiy, is that the Ex-Wife is like...
Jackson – Get the kids out and run out of that house!
Ex-Wife – Why are you shouting?! And why should we get out
of the house? *daughter’s name* has her dancing class today and *son’s Name*
has his basketball class (Was it basketball?).
Jackson – Just get out of the house! (He is still shouting).
You don’t understand, the world is ending. It’s getting destroyed!
Ex-Wife – You know what? Call back
once you have calmed down. The world is NOT getting destroyed. Even the
Governor on TV is saying it right now. ( the TV was on in the background).
Now, the irony.
Governor (Arnold impersonator) – blah blah blah.
Governor – So we are now sure that the worst is already
over.
*CRASH BOOM BANG!* *Earthquake**house crumbling*
Ex-Wife’s douche bag new about to be husband (Let’s call him
DB for now) – get under the table! It’ll be safe here!
And now we have the excellent timing scheme poping back here
as our hero stops his car JUST AT THIS INSTANT in front of their house. He
walks in and LITERALLY shout s at them and LITERALLY says “F*** the table, and
get the Love in the car!”. The daughter has brains so she runs, and family
follows suit. Perfect timing is back yet
again! Just as they get out of the house, the house caves in. Just as they get
into the car, the road starts to blast apart. Just as they drive, the road
right behind them starts to crumble. Now we have a Fast and the Furious
drifting scene, but in a Limo. Also, some car jumping scenes, where the land
slopes up and they jump the distance and so on. Finally they reach the airport
where everybody “somehow” died. They pick a plane and start the take off.
Perfect timing strikes yet again – just as they start the plane and run it, the
land starts crumbling.
After they take off, we hhave them landing in Las Vegas.
Where they meet up with an acquaintance of Cussack – a Russian Billionare. They
pick up a FRIGGIN HUGE plane and try to drive it to China, where, apparently, a
project is underway where these guys have made a huge lab in Tibet, to make “ARKS”
– like Noah’s Arks. Three huge things. We in India, in Bombay, can’t get a
bloody Flyover built in one year, and these guys built an Ark which can hold
millions and billions of perople in three years. God, I hate those Chinese. For
all you know, the Arks might have just been assembled in China – like my iPod.
Anyways, their fuel runs out! The plane fuel runs out, and as the plane comes
under the clouds, they realise that instead of being somewhere over the ocean,
they are over Tibet already. Apparently the Earth’s crust shifted some 1582
Miles or something, so now the South Pole was somewhere in the U.S.A and North
Pole somewhere else. DON’T ASK ME HOW THAT MADE SENSE!
So as they crahsland in Tibet, somehow they smuggle
themselves into this Secret Operations area, and struggle through to get inside
via an unconventional route – after all, they didn’t have tickets. They were to
be bought for 1.2 Billion Euros. Cheap, eh? Specially when they have a billions
people buying it and...Well...the money thing is lame, so don’t bother asking
me to elaborate on this.
We also have animals on each ark, and also cameras in almost
EVERY niche and corner. We then have our hero gang – comprising now of Cussack,
ex-wife, two children, DB, a tibetian Monk, his grandpa and grandma and
Tibetian’s Brother. In the process of travelling the unconventional route, the
DB dies, and due to some reason, some pipe or something gets stuck in some
gear, and the hatch to the main door, from where the people originally got in,
doesn’t close. Now, we also have Tsunamis reaching higher than Mount Everest.
Meaning? Water hits our Ark, in which our heros have unconventionally entered
and because they caused a problem due to which the doors didn’t shut properly,
water floods part of the Ark as it sets sail. So Cussack, swims back and frees
whatever cables were causing the problem, and comes back being the hero. Once
that is done, all goes well, and humanity survives.
Idealistic
ending because the Earth comes back to normal. Wait a minute. The movie is
supposed to talk about how the Earth gets DESTROYED. Not rebuilt. LAAAAAME!
G-Mod in business: What's wrong with you man? You make the rules and youself violate them? F word is not allowed and this is the 2nd time you are doing this. 
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